I really have stopped blogging for a good part of a year and a half or two years. Part of me just doesn't want to write anymore. That a lot of stuff that I have going on is too private. A lot of it is too private.
... BUT ...
I've been paying a lady some pretty good money for more than a full year about once a week to talk to her, she listens to my problems, asks some pretty good questions and I always come out of her office feeling like I can take on this big bad world. One of the ways to get the thoughts out of my head is to start talking again ... Or writing. If people listen, great ... if they don't, that is fine also. If for some reason, someone stumbles onto my thoughts and either they are able to assist me or I am able to assist them in their life, then we are both winners.
I am not going to go into everything tonight, it is already late, and I really like my bed. We will just talk about one issue at a time, and take some issues slowly.
Its funny ... I'm sitting here and I've honestly been sitting here for now about 10 minutes after I wrote that last sentience and I don't know how to begin.
Oh heck ... I'll just jump on in ... Last year, 2010, was probably the worst year of my life. 2011 is almost over and it isn't looking like it was any better. Back in 2010, I celebrated my 2 year anniversary with my husband Scott, except at the time of our anniversary, we were separated. We then got back together for only about 7 months, which followed up the end of the year by our divorce. The divorce was out of my doing, my choosing ... my choices that I made that effected all of us and all of the plans we had lined up. Do I think about this every day? Do I hate myself every day for doing this, to us, to our family ... yes. Am I trying to over come it and forgive myself ... yup. But trust me, forgiving myself is so much harder than making that choice in the first place. Actually, what would have been easier would have not been to had chosen that path at all.
I lied to my family, I lied to my friends, I lied to my husband. I lied to people who love and care for me so very much, and did not deserve to have been lied to. We were planning on trying to have a baby at the end of last year. Scott told me that a lot of my Christmas presents last year were going to be some baby fun things, a card to go get my IUD out and for us to actually get off of birth control. That probably would have been the absolute bed Christmas present that anyone could have ever given me. Instead, I spent most of Christmas crying, feeling alone and very confused.
By the time Christmas came around, Scott and I were back on talking terms. The pain had subsided. We decided that we should at least try and be friends, but by Christmas time we were talking about our relationship again. Scott actually asked me to move back in with him on Christmas. And I did move back into the house up in Heber shortly after New Years.
When I moved back in, we had talked about getting remarried on what would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary. And then around April or May, we would go get my IUD out and start trying to have kids. That didn't happen ...
You would think that after having lied to everyone around me, that I would have learned a lesson ... right? Well, not me. Apparently, I hold true to my Taurus horoscope and am so very stubborn. Either that or so very stupid. When Scott and I were having all of those great talks back at the beginning of the year in regards to what we both have been up to, professing those secrets to reconnect to each other, there is some part in me that thinks it is alright to leave out big parts of my financial situation. To all of you out there, this is not OK. When you are in a relationship, it is best to be open with each other.
In August, we were in our counseling appointment together, both of us knew that something was going to happen in this appointment. All three of us were staring at the big huge pink elephant that was standing in the middle of the room. But no one wanted to actually acknowledge its presents. I don't remember all of that conversation over the hour time limit. I do remember the key parts of Scott saying that he can not commit to marrying me and having a child with me any time soon. Other than that, it is all a huge blur.
I move out at the beginning of September into my own apartment. I would love to tell you that at this point in time, I'm doing good. But I am not. When we separated, I had hoped that we would still be friends and civil with each other. We would still be able to see each other and support each other as really good friends do. I had even had this super crazy thought, that a few years down the line, once I've found someone to be with and Scott's found someone to be with, that we could all get together and have dinner or something together. I know insane, right? But I honestly thought it would work out.
Well, we were good friends up until 2 days ago. I wanted to gradually back out of the relationship with him. I didn't want it to be this huge empty "good bye" like it is right now. At this moment in time, I've lost him. I've lost one of my best friends. I can not begin to describe the huge hole that is in my heart right now. I feel like I am incomplete. I want to text him at random times during the day to tell him random thoughts, stupid annoyances that I have, or small accomplishments that I've done. To just see how he is doing. I want to share the NASA photo's with him that I get emailed every day, but he won't respond to them anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go anymore. I want to go home and hide inside until this pain goes away. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone. I don't think it is possible for me to pretend that everything is alright anymore.
For everyone who didn't like him, I want to tell you to shut up. Yes we had our problems ... show me 1 couple who doesn't. But he still was a very caring guy, who just didn't know how to deal with me the way that I wanted to have been dealt with. He loved me and he cared for me. And I miss him very much.
For the last couple years, I have dreaded turning 30 years old. Thirty was the next milestone in my life after reaching 21 years old. By 30 I had always thought I would be married with 2.5 kids, the house with a white picket fence, a great job and a loving husband. 
